Saturday Nights Spent in Draper

I have officially had this blog for a year. Did I mention that already?

I have been listening to the song, "The Story" by Brandi Carlile on repeat via youtube tonight. I do enjoy, now if only I had the CD :).

I have been in a contemplative mood all today and have been thinking about digesting my thoughts on here, and I guess that's going to start right now.

So, I disappeared for awhile. Why? Because suddenly I was complying to someone else's beliefs other than my own. I don't know why I complied. Why I gave up so many pieces of me to make me feel like I was whole, when in all actuality I was a holey mess.

I, April Dansie, talk. I talk about anything and everything. It is how I process things, how I make them make sense. Keeping things inside my brain makes me anxious, overly analytical, and a spaz. I have been trying to figure out why the hell I have been so stressed out lately, and I found my answer. I started talking again and started laughing more. I know people think it's annoying how I talk so much, but I am so sick of apologizing for it. I've apologized my entire life, and I am finished. I shouldn't feel guilty for being honest and open with the way I feel. I can properly identify my emotions and stating them helps me get over whatever is plaguing me. No more apologies. I am April Dansie, I talk. If you don't like that about me, don't talk to me.

I don't know why I feel it's necessary to change myself in order to be the "someone" that someone else wants. Why I hide, and why I change to be loveable. April Dansie, she's smart, she's funny. She's a word nazi, and is proud of it. She cares about the way other people feel and goes out of her way to make sure that whomever is comfortable. She's impatient. She's needy. She's particular and has weird unnecessary rules and fears. She's scared of way too many things. She's quirky and witty. She's spontaneous. She loves everyone, even the people who hurt her. She's passionate. She's loveable. So, why change? Do I honestly feel like I won't be enough? Because honestly, for the right person I will be.

I just got distracted by youtube. Now? Ben Folds. He's brilliant.

I think I'm done writing. My train of thought left the station without me. I've been mad at myself for putting up with such stupid shit for so long. I'm letting it all go. I'm letting in the good. Here's hoping I don't mess that up somehow as well.

Right now my heart is smiling and the good is going. Miss Dansie is happy. Genuinely pleased and I'm so scared it's going to disappear.

"There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you,
While the world is watchin'
All you need is the thing that you've forgotten,
And that's to learn to live with what you are."

p.s. Happy Birthday Austin, I love you!